14/03/16 - FIFTEEN MINUTES

‘Ten more minutes.’ Jackal thought as he kept watch on the timer on his phone. ‘We passed the five-minute mark. Ten more.’ 

He anxiously turned his phone’s power button on and off, checking the timer as it ticked from second to second. 

‘Eight.’ 

‘Seven.’

‘Six.’

His face relaxed as the timer passed the ten-minute mark. He looked outside the plane window. He had specifically nagged Juno for the window seat so he could monitor the horizon. 

Occasionally, the view he saw was beautiful—the clouds stacked on top of each other, floating aimlessly in the blue sky. At other times, he tensed up when the window turned white or gray. He knew clouds were safe, but he would still tense up ever so slightly. 

‘One.’

After fourteen minutes and fifty-nine seconds had passed, Jackal stopped the timer before it hit the mark to avoid triggering the ringtone. ‘Good,’ he thought. ‘Okay, good. The fifteen-minute danger period has passed.’

They were cruising above the clouds now, the land behind them, and nothing but the blue sky ahead. Juno was half-asleep, one earbud in. Jackal leaned against the cold window, eyes open but unfocused. 

“Juno,” Jackal whispered, nudging their shoulder. Juno didn’t reply.

Jackal went silent and watched the flight tracker displayed on his screen, shifting through the different modes and making mental notes of every important detail, before tensing up in his business-class seat. 

“You ever think about how high we are?” Jackal asked quietly. 

Juno stirred but didn’t answer. Jackal wasn’t asking. 

“Feels fake,” Jackal muttered. “Like the second I start to relax, something’s gonna go wrong. I don’t know how people just, like, let go and trust that this plane won’t crash.” He paused, then gave a short laugh. “That’s how I am with everything, I guess. I’m always waiting for the part where it breaks. And I don’t even like doing it.”

“I mean, at least it’ll be quick.” He said. “But I keep thinking about those final moments before anything goes. How do you think people feel when they experience their plane falling from the sky, or right before they crash into something?”

Jackal nearly palmed his mouth, but not before spraying hand sanitizer on his hands first. 

“Like, you’re going to die. You’ll feel the worst sensation of doom in your life, bile coming up your stomach, maybe people are screaming and vomiting everywhere– oh, that vomit flies for sure. And you can’t escape unless you’re lucky.” He muttered, palming his mouth. “I mean, some people like to think they’ll be the lucky ones. I always think I’m the one in the statistics.”

“So that’s why I try hard to do the right thing for myself…or what I think the right thing is, at least.”

“I know,” Jackal said. “It’s not just luck. But life doesn’t guarantee anything, not even for people who do everything right.’”

Jackal swiftly lowered his voice near the end as he noticed a flight attendant walking by, before continuing. 

He rubbed his hands together, as if to warm them, then rested them on his lap. 

“You know…Juno, there was this lizard in my bathroom once.”

“Not a pet or anything— just one of those house lizards you see scuttling around. When I spotted it in the bathroom, I felt this mix of fear and disgust. I didn't want to touch it. It looked gross, but I couldn't bring myself to kill it either. I just wanted it out of the house and in the garden, where it belonged. I didn't want to be the one to move it, though. So, I called my dad. I handed him this empty, thick plastic tissue box, asking him to trap the lizard inside and slide a piece of paper under it to keep it secure for transport. Simple enough. But when he moved to catch it, it happened too fast.”

“The rim of the box came down wrong, wedging itself between the lizard's upper and lower body. It was alive, but pinned. Squirming. Its body was nearly split in half. For the next twenty minutes, I panicked. I held the box in both hands, staring down at the tiny creature trapped inside. Its heart was still beating, visible just above the spot where its side had burst open. I ran around the house, asking my family what to do, but every choice they gave felt wrong. I couldn't kill it. I didn't want to be responsible for ending its life. But I didn't want anyone else to kill it either-that would just shift the guilt onto them.”

“I couldn't bear the thought of throwing it away like it was nothing. And putting it outside? That felt worse. It would be left to suffer prey to other animals, drawn out and agonizing. What was the right thing to do? While I was running about, its lower body began to change. The brown faded into a grayish yellow, lifeless and dull. The upper half, the part still alive, remained brown. I kept looking at its tiny heartbeat under the box, scared of what I'd see. Then, I saw it stop. It was over.”

“I stopped and stood there, thinking about what I’d just done—or hadn't done. I'd wanted to spare it the pain.”

He wiped a hand over his face, then leaned his head back against the seat. 

“I thought I was being moral and empathetic. I thought I was different and special, which made me feel good about myself for a split second.”

“But instead, I let it suffer a slow, torturous death, trapped, surrounded by noise and panic, carried around like an object. I let it feel its lower body die first, its insides spilling out, because I couldn't bring myself to act.”

“In the end, I just stood there and watched it die. And I told myself it was because I wanted what was best for it.”

“But I was just thinking about myself.” 

Jackal hung his head down.

“I know that I need to let go of what I can’t control. But for some reason, I just can’t.”

He was quiet for a second, then he opened his mouth to speak again, like he wasn’t talking to Juno anymore, like he was confessing something to the air just to finally get it out. 

Suddenly, the plane vigorously shook. Jackal was caught off guard by the movement and gripped onto his seat for balance as he looked outside. It was grey outside. The plane shook continuously, and the seatbelt sign was still on.

Jackal, in a panic, shook Juno’s shoulder in fear. “Juno–”

Juno slurred awake and instantly shot at him.

“What?! It’s just turbulence!”

Jackal didn’t say anything. He just gripped the armrest and stared at the clouds.