12/03/16 - WHAT IF I’M RIGHT

“Come on,” Juno said, annoyed. “You don’t need all of those.” Jackal didn’t respond, but the twitch in his eye gave him away. He adjusted his layers of long-sleeved clothing as he wandered around the pharmacy counters, dropping item after item into his yellow shopping basket. Six bottles of hand sanitizer >70% alcohol, five Industrial-sized disinfectant sprays, twenty alcohol wipes, eleven Clorox wipes, four vials of antiseptic spray (composed of 0.04% Polihexanide (PHMB) and 0.1% Decyl Glucoside Tenside in a Ringer’s solution base), three bottles of mosquito repellent, packs of painkillers (acetaminophen, ibuprofen, and aspirin of every variety), antihistamines, antacids, a digital thermometer, a pulse oximeter, blood pressure monitor, compact first aid kits, two packs of bandages, four tubes of antiseptic cream, a bottle of salt, three bottles of SLS mouthwash, two tubes of burn gels and–

“That’s it. Stop! Stop!” Juno shouted.

The sound cut through the low hum of the pharmacy’s AC. Jackal froze, heart pounding, hand halfway to a fifth bottle of mouthwash. A couple standing near the painkillers shelf turned their heads, pretending not to stare.

“What’s your problem?”Jackal blurted, tightly gripping his shopping basket. “Come on, it’s not like you’re the one paying for these! I am!” 

“I know. But at the same time, you look fucking crazy!” Juno added, “Normally, I wouldn’t care too much, okay? I don’t give a shit if you were some rando. But guess what, you’re stuck with me, I’m stuck with you, and I don’t want to look like I’m caring for an outpatient!” 

“An outpatient?” Jackal added, looking away for a second before coming back to face Juno. “Come on. Between the two of us, I dress normally!” 

“You’re wearing three layers of clothing in a tropical country!” Juno argued. “The locals wear long sleeves, too. They think right. I’m not here to get sunburned and bitten by any dangerous bug.” Jackal scoffed. “Fuck, I can’t do this shit with you anymore!” Juno said, irritated. “Come here.” 

As Juno pulled Jackal’s hand, the impact of the tug shook the anxious boy’s phone out of his left pocket. Juno bent to grab the phone. They were ready to shove it back into Jackal’s hand, but something on the screen stopped them. 

A checklist. Plain white text against a black background as follows:

       ◯ Check Heart Health 

      ◯ (Blood Test) Total Cholesterol, LDL,   HDL, Triglycerides

      ◯ (Blood Test)  Vit. D, Vit. C, Zinc, Calcium

      ◯ (Blood Test) CMP, Iron + Ferritin

      ◯ Check dark red spot on skin +1 week (Canesten 2x per day. 4/7 -> hydrocortisone)

“Fucking hell!” Juno blurted, staring at Jackal’s phone wallpaper. 

Jackal flinched, unsure whether to laugh or defend himself. He chose neither. Juno kept the boy’s phone, forcefully grabbed him, and he followed, making a reluctant admission to avoid causing a further scene that could publicly embarrass himself. Juno told Jackal to put the shopping basket on a table, and Jackal gave the cashier a guilty look that essentially said, ‘I’ll come back for them later.’

Juno pulled Jackal out of the pharmacy into the hot, sweltering sun, where Jackal instantly ran underneath the shadows of a structure for cover, and of course, privacy. Juno pinched the bridge of their nose in frustration as they followed Jackal. 

“You didn’t need to make a scene,” Jackal said, angry. “People were watching us!” 

“So what? They don’t give a shit. People don’t care that much.” Juno replied. “They do give a shit you– oh, fuck!” Jackal clenched his teeth and gripped his outer cardigan in irritation. “Like, making that much noise earlier is not necessary, come on. The cashier was looking at me funny. This could have been avoided if you had shut your mouth and ignored me!” Jackal blurted out. “It was my money, my decision! I didn’t ask you to pay for shit!” 

Jackal wasn’t sure why he yelled. Maybe it was the spotlight Juno had thrown on him. Perhaps it was shame, at the basket, at the list, at how badly he needed all of it to feel safe. 

But more than anything, he hated the idea of being seen.

“What you did back there was not normal.” Juno exhaled. “You’re not even normal yourself. We both know that.” Jackal rebutted. 

“You know? You've got this serious problem.” Juno said. “You think I can’t see it, but I see it. You’re not discreet.” Jackal scoffed. “When have you ever cared? And even if something is wrong, it’s my deal.”

“Oh yeah?” Juno’s voice sharpened. “Hey, this past week, you kept asking me to feel your head for shit, asking, ‘Do you feel something? Do you feel something?’” 

“Do you know how many times I had to touch your crusty ass scalp? The lice in your head? —— They know me already.”

Jackal stood still. “Um.”

“No, no, no! You don’t have a skull tumor, Jack!” Juno snapped. 

Jackal went quiet. He didn’t know what to say, or how to say that one phrase he thought he could conjure to magically convince and get through Juno’s head, or anyone, for that matter. 

“Weird? You feel weird? Everyone feels funny sometimes, dude! Fuck! You’re not the only one with issues!” Juno argued. 

“But it’s my head, my throat bulges up, my neck’s stiff, I get headaches in the morning, and my head feels full all the time. I don’t feel good, I don’t feel right.” Jackal responded.

“What?” Juno asked, bewildered. “I swear to— Jesus! Can’t you just think straight for once?”

“What? I’m saner than you for constantly thinking about my life.”

Juno ran their hands through their hair. “It’s just your thoughts. I swear it’s just your thoughts.”

“But it feels real to me!”

Juno pinches the bridge of their nose, looking down in frustration, and grumbles before looking back at Jackal again.

“You know what? We’ll get you to a hospital first thing tomorrow morning. Huh? How about that? I’ll drive you, and we'll wait.” Juno said. 

“Wait, what?” Jackal’s face dropped. “No, I, come on, that’s going to cost a lot. And, I’m not even sure if I have a— I mean, I’m just speculating. And I feel bad if you—”

“No, no! It’s fine! Let’s do it! If it helps you shut up!”

“No, that’s not what I meant. You’re not understanding me!”

“Then what do you want? Huh?” Juno growled. “I’m being serious. What do you WANT?”

“I don’t know!”

It was the truth. And it wasn’t. Jackal spent hours thinking about it, looping worst-case scenarios in his head like a reel of medical horror stories. He knew the logic and the odds. But the fear was always louder. 

Juno stays silent. 

“You don’t know?” They said.

Jackal looked down at the floor, conflicted and ashamed. 

“No— I mean I do, kind of, but if I do check and I turn out to be wrong, and I mean that’s great, but I’ll lose my money. I’ll lose my time. But I’m too scared to do anything because, look, what if I’m right? What if I’m actually in danger?”

Juno didn’t respond at first. 

The air between them hung heavy, still tense from the fight but cooling now. Jackal looked away, pretending to be interested in the ants crawling across the pavement, or simply to avoid any semblance of accountability. 

“...Huh,” Juno said simply, and that was it. No sarcasm. No yelling. Just that one word.

They didn’t speak on the ride home. Jackal sat curled into himself, one arm gripping the door, the other resting over his chest like he was holding something in. Juno kept one hand on the wheel and the other resting uselessly in their lap, fingers twitching like they wanted to say something but didn’t know how. 

When they got back to the hotel and met with Sergei and Die Lit, who had just returned after an eventful day of what they claimed was ‘fishing’, all of them retreated to their shared bedrooms. 

Jackal wordlessly retreated to the bathroom and stayed in there longer than necessary. When he came out, Juno was already in bed, face turned toward the wall. The lamp was still on. 

“Um, goodnight,” he said, hesitantly. 

No reply.

He switched off the light.

The next morning, Jackal’s sleep had been roughly awakened by Juno’s flip of a blanket. It was a sunny day, and by the time Juno won the tug-of-war, the sun’s rays hit Jackal’s face– a hot reminder of reality. Jackal, in response, turned his head around and buried it under his pillow. Juno flipped him over and shook his shoulders vigorously. 

“Get up.” They said,

Jackal responded groggily, his tone edged. “What?”

“I said, get up.”

“For what?”

Juno grabs Jackal by the arm and forcefully yanks him out of the bed. Juno attempted to drag him outside. Jackal managed to hold his ground by steadying himself on his feet, shifting his weight backwards while Juno leaned forward. Jackal’s stance was poor, however, and a faltered focus from broken sleep does not equate to good balance. Juno managed to pull Jackal away, inching forward towards the room’s front door.

“What the fuck? Wait, at least let me get my bag.” Jackal blurted. “Come on, stop pulling me! And my socks too. I need them!”

“No, you don’t need those. Learn how not to wear socks that extend up to half your calf.” Juno laughed. “Makes you look stupid.”

“Dengue mosquito–” Jackal added, before being cut off by another hard yank. 

Juno didn’t even turn around. Just gave another hard tug, like dragging a shopping cart with a busted wheel. After yet another battle of push and pull, Juno managed to drag Jackal to the lift somehow, where they went down twenty floors to the lobby. Both of them then went to the parking area, where Juno’s rented car had been. Juno unlocked the door and shoved Jackal in the passenger seat, before they got in the driver’s seat and started the car. 

“What the hell? What are you– Where are we going?” Jackal asked, confused.

Juno doesn’t reply and shifts the gear.  

“Dude, answer me. Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

His breath caught in his throat. He tried to rationalize – maybe Juno was taking him to get food or to distract him. But Juno didn’t do surprises, nor softness.

Juno drives faster, looking at the street map on their phone.

Jackal shifted in his seat, his nervousness and anxiety palpable. As Jackal slowly came to from his groggy state, his mind began to race, considering every possible location Juno could be driving them to at an endless pace. Jackal thought of Juno bringing them both to an exciting area, but Juno’s idea of fun scares the boy, and he figured that they weren’t that nice anyway. Somehow, his thoughts rapidly shifted from a mall to an empty alleyway, shifting Jackal’s mood at record speed.  

But he can’t shake that guilty feeling, still. 

Both of them stay silent during the entire ride. Hundreds of thoughts are racing in Jackal’s mind, but Juno’s goal is one. Juno pulls up to the lobby of a hospital building and stops momentarily. Juno unlocks the car door with a click of a button. Jackal’s heart sinks.

“Go in.”

Jackal looks outside before looking back at Juno. His hands are cold and sweaty. His body tensed.

“Come on, it’s okay. Just go.” Juno insisted. 

“No—I,” Jackal stuttered. 

“I said, go in!” 

Jackal flinches a bit from Juno’s shout. 

“Go in, tell them your stuff, do what you need to do. I’ll wait here or walk around while you do that.”

“No, dude, I swear I’m—”

“This again!”

Jackal flinches again, silent. 

“I’m giving you a choice. An option. Either do it or you don’t! Here, I’ll make it easier for you. I’ll pay. I’ll pay for you.”

“But—”

“So?” Juno said, raising their eyebrows. “You want me to choose for you?”

Jackal stays silent. Juno scoffs and laughs a bit before speaking again.

“So, you don’t want to go?”

“I don’t— I don’t know,” Jackal says, constantly caressing his scalp. 

Juno stays silent for a while.

“Then live with it.” 

In an instant, Juno suddenly locks the car with a click and drives away from the hospital. The speedometer gradually increased with every passing second as Juno sped along the largely empty free road, swiftly passing through any cars. The car is going just slightly above the speed limit, but sometimes it goes below it as well—a continuous acceleration of push and pull. 

Jackal’s face drops into an expression of terror. Fear and adrenaline strike his face as he realizes what Juno is doing. 

“What?! Stop! Stop! Stop it!” Jackal felt his stomach turn as despair washed over him, and his fight-or-flight reaction caused him to freeze. 

“I’ll give you something to be scared of.”